There are a lot of differences between males and females.  These differences are especially hard to notice when the males and females are dolphins, or squirrels. When it comes to human beings, one of the main differences is that women talk about their friends when they aren’t around but never tell their friends to their face that they think they have a stupid boyfriend, or that they thought their makeup made them look like a vampire. Men frequently won’t even notice that their friends have a girlfriend, or that they are wearing any specific clothes. 

In my family in particular, the biggest difference between my wife and me is the way we approach having visitors.  I love having visitors and would invite company to our house every week if I could.  Early in my marriage I invited eight people to dinner all at the same time without first asking my wife, which she liked about as much as she’d have liked it if I blindfolded her and took her on a 10 day back country skiing trip in Alaska against her will.

 My wife says I love having company because I “do nothing” to get the house ready for their arrival and “have no idea what it takes” to prepare a home for guests.  She would be the first to admit that by doing nothing, she means I vacuum, clean the kitchen and put away the four weeks of laundry that I’ve folded and left on our guest bed instead of putting it away in my closet.

She would also admit that what she believes what it takes to properly prepare one’s home for company, is to make it appear as if nobody lives/have never lived, in the premises.  She does this by carefully staying up all night the day before company arrives, and stuffing all clothing, personal belongings, books, games, mail, shoes, tooth brushes, food, hats, mittens,  into one of two closets, into every available drawer, and underneath anything where it can be fully obscured and where it is certain that for at least five days after our company leaves, I will not be able to find it. 

When I protest about the punitive nature of our home preparation and say that her cousin, or my parents won’t be offended if they know that we brush our teeth or wear sneakers she tells me that I don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman, thereby highlighting another difference between the sexes; the fact that men, when called out for an illogical stance by their wife or anyone else, resort to name calling or subject changes, whereas women, in the same situation, immediately state that men don’t know what it’s like to be a woman which makes no sense, but which ends all conversations.

At this point I’ve pretty much stopped inviting people to our house. People rarely invite us anywhere so it’s hard for me to say whether this removal of anything that might indicate the interests or personality of occupants is standard practice. This is partially a function of living in a city where it’s always easier to meet people out at a restaurant, but it may also be related to the fact that some of my wife’s friends could actually be vampires.  If I ever get invited to their house I’ll know just where to look for clues.