Ever since I started buying things over the internet I’ve become more familiar with the companies that ship things and in light of recent experiences, feel compelled to provide insight into the pitfalls one can expect if one decides to do anything but walk to the vendor themselves to pick up their package.  

 If you order something that is sent via the United Postal Service, there is a strong chance it will disappear in transit, in which case you’re better off pretending you never ordered it in the first place.  You’re better off pretending you never ordered it because by the time you are able to talk to a human being who isn’t retiring at the end of the month at age 49 and therefore doesn't care about your issue, you will have been on the phone so long you’d have to request a leave of absence from your job.

This year for Christmas I ordered my wife a sweatshirt with the word “princess” written across the chest in Scrabble letters.  The reason I ordered the gift is not important, but what is important is that I got the idea to order it a few days before Christmas and paid $17 to ship it “2-day air” via the United States Postal Service to make sure she was able to open it on time. Fortunately for her, the US Postal Service lost the package all together, so instead of opening a mildly-humorous gift on Christmas morning, she got to open a mildly-humorous gift on January 27^th, after the company offered to send a new one, and then another mildly-humorous gift on February 17^th, when the first one magically appeared from its “2-day air” and now enjoys not one, but two sweatshirts bearing the word princess in Scrabble letters, which could prove useful if we ever get in a situation where we need to create a decoy of my wife.

Also this year I had an experience where I needed a new debit card sent “overnight”  to Madrid Spain, where I was on vacation, because the morning before I left I carefully placed my debit card near my pocket and onto the floor of the supermarket.  Again, the reason I failed to get the card in my pocket is unimportant, but what matters is that my bank paid a pretty penny to have the card sent to me at my hotel in time for it to be of use during my four-day vacation.  In that instance I specifically requested that my package be sent by UPS because I know from experience that UPS is willing to leave packages worth $4,000 virtually anywhere, without any confirmation, which tends to substantially increase the odds of my getting what I need.

Fortunately for me, I was traveling for my birthday and was treated to most of what the Spaniards had to offer, because “overnight” turned into “over three nights” and conveniently my card arrived just as my wife and I were trying to arrange a dishwashing gig to pay for our cab to the airport.  To its credit, UPS employed its same policy of dropping things off with as few confirmations as possible, even in a foreign country, which is something I appreciate, especially when I’ve had an experience with FedEx.

Federal Express makes UPS and the Postal Service appear to run like a Swiss timepiece.  One could write a treatise on why Federal Express should not be in business, but the central reason is that it has had a policy in place for at least as long as I’ve been ordering things that it refuses to leave any package at a home or apartment if you’re at work, which you always are, because they also refuse to deliver any time but in the middle of the day when everyone who can afford to order things is at a job. 

Once they’ve made their first attempt, they put the package back in a truck and send it somewhere 70 miles away from where you live but they are kind enough to leave a note on your door explaining that they will be happy to make a second attempt during any one of four two-hour time slots the following day, which are all conveniently situated between the hours of 9am and 5pm which means that your options are reduced to driving to some inconvenient location to obtain your package at night or on the weekends, or having your package returned to sender.

Even once you’ve made the choice to drive to Inconvenient Suburb #1 to locate your package things are far from settled because at FedEx, you’re more likely to earn a dental degree while you wait than get your package if you failed to bring a photo ID, or failed to bring a photo ID that matches the name of the intended recipient, even if that recipient is your wife, for whom you could, for example, act as a health care proxy if she were in a coma, even if said wife has drafted a letter granting your permission to obtain her clip-on bangs.

If you’re really clever, you can do what I recently did and get the best of UPS and USPS in one fell swoop all without ever receiving your package.  In this case I bought a sweatshirt from a coal mining company located in Western Pennsylvania.  It’s not important why I bought a sweatshirt from a coal mining company, but it is important that I selected UPS because I wanted it to be dropped on my doorstep, even if there was a person standing on my doorstep dressed as a lobster holding a gun and a sign that said “Isaac is tied up in the basement and I’m definitely going to steal this package”.  Unfortunately, due to a mix up at PayPal, the address to which UPS haphazardly threw my package was an apartment building where I’d lived 4 years ago, which meant my sweatshirt is now being enjoyed by one of about 300 residents of my former building.  After I confirmed the confusion with the vendor, they agreed to send another, this time with USPS, to avoid a similar problem. 

As of this moment I’m still waiting, and am getting by without my mining apparel.  Perhaps USPS is getting back at me for the Christmas disaster and the sweatshirt error in our favor.  Maybe I’ll ask the woman in my living room if I can send back her “princess” hoodie in hopes of making things right.  That should go ok as long as it’s the decoy; because there’s no way my wife is giving up anything, especially when she didn’t get to open it on Christmas.