Mitt Romney is one of my favorite politicians because he consistently overestimates his brand and underestimates the durability of video clips of him spouting a various of liberal views (or trumpeting his  health care system which became the “Obamacare” his party now deems unconstitutional) during his assorted attempts to get elected to political posts in Massachusetts, and the extent to which those clips, and a general sense among The Christian Right that he belongs to a cult, will kill any chance he has to be a serious contender.  Now Mitt is preparing to run in 2012 and despite the fact that he lost a recent primary to a John McCain who appeared more prepared to shuffle around a nursing home in his socks than to be president, he’s back to his favorite pastime of thinking people care what he has to say about national issues.

This week, Mitt decided that the country couldn’t live without hearing his views on the president’s tax compromise so he wrote an op-ed in the USA Today, which means every 5^th grader in the country talked about it in morning meeting.

Mitt’s article, entitled “Tax Deal, Bad Deal” begins with a hilarious reference to the Catskills-caliber Joke about death and taxes and then makes a side-splitting twist on the old favorite by saying that by failing to make the Bush tax cuts permanent, Obama was removing taxes from the list and therefore “leaving the future of investment, growth and job creation” up in the air because uncertainty, as at least the last two Republican presidents have taught us, is a sure path to ruin.  My question to Mitt and anyone else who tries this jive on me; If squabbling over a few extra percentage points of taxation locks your investing gears why not relocate to Brazil or Mexico where you can probably avoid taxes all together by greasing a few palms?  I’m sure your hundred or so grandchildren would love to go to school in armored cars.  Or how about Europe, where you can be 100% certain you’ll pay even higher tax burden and have to share a currency with Greece?  Perhaps the Mormons already own another planet where tax rates are guaranteed?

The compromise, after all, came about after Republicans made a hollow threat not to continue jobless benefits to millions of Americans who are out of work thanks largely to a government that helped create created a massive real estate bubble which further skewed the distribution of wealth and ultimately, resulted in many of the same wealthy businesses getting on their knees to ask for more of the government’s money, which both parties agreed was necessary, because if there’s one thing the American taxpayer wouldn’t stand for it was uncertainty at Goldman Sachs and CitiBank.

Even though his cornball-every-man antics have made him look like an out of touch phony every time he’s ever used them, Romney can’t resist any chance to remind people that he’s a swell guy.  This time, he informs readers that despite his life of extreme privilege, he understands the troubles of the unemployed because he worked for 15 years as a lay pastor in his church and “saw the heartbreak of joblessness up close”.  I would find his highlighting of this credential offensive if my recent memory did not also contain his comments in the 2008 primary about how he “wept openly” (in his car, by himself of course) when he heard the news that his Mormon church had welcomed black people in 19 effing 78 or the clip from his race against Ted Kennedy when he said his biggest weakness was caring too much for others, resulting in a clip (at 3:41) that will forever frame him as a total boob.

After establishing his lay-pastor credentials, Romney explains that while he agrees with a temporary extension of benefits (uncertainty is only good for poor people, of course) he would also liked to have seen the deal contain some changes to the unemployment system, which gives him a chance to introduce his super-creative-not-at-all-a-copy-of-Bush’s-failed-social-security-reform-plan, “individual unemployment savings accounts” which I imagine would work well for people who don’t have enough money to buy toothpaste. 

I could be wrong, but my sense is that Americans will not take kindly to an unemployment system that amounts to a “go get em kiddo” from the government.  The hole we’re in can’t be solved with a few tax breaks that will only benefit Mitt Romney and his children, and will require a great deal of creativity, which I hope, keeps Romney off the short list for contenders in 2012.  If you wonder what it’ll be like to hold a presidential election without Mitt’s keen helping instincts, try asking one of the African Americans who, before 1978, had to suffer through joblessness without Mitt’s lay-counsel.