I saw on the news today that Accenture Consulting was dropping Tiger Woods from its advertisements.  The news, of course, comes on the heels of the other news that Tiger has taken an “indefinite” leave from golf which was in response to other news, that Tiger had carried on affairs with most of the cocktail waitresses in the country, which came on the heels of other news that he smashed his car into a fire hydrant while his wife was "heroically" chasing him down the street with a golf club.  I have loved watching Tiger for years, and even though his phony father-son relationship made me want to puke, and I still can’t believe his favorite singer is Don Henley I resisted writing about his recent troubles because I was sad to see it happen.  But after hearing the news about Accenture’s decision I couldn’t resist taking a few swings of my own.

In distancing itself from Woods, Accenture issued a statement saying that after careful reflection, it had determined Woods was no longer the proper bearer of its message.  I assume that such reflection included a part about paying 8 million dollars a year to a guy whose idea of strategic thinking was dating women who make $8 an hour and then being surprised when they sold his pathetic groveling voice mail ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsrSgffTIAk to Us Weekly and then blaming the tabloid media for “hurtful” stories that everyone hoped were true about how his wife hit him with a golf club.

To me, the relationship between Woods and Accenture has never made any sense.  In fact, the only golfer/consulting firm relationship that made less sense was that of Phil Mickelson, who makes Woods’ mistresses sound clever, and Bearing Point.  The campaign mostly consisted of posters and commercials that show Tiger in various spots of bother such as standing with one foot in the water or against a tree, and then superimposed a “thought bubble” of the mathematical and strategic mental gymnastics Tiger was supposedly doing before deciding to proceed with a risky maneuver and getting away with it.  According to the campaign, Tiger, like Accenture’s clients, can’t avoid getting into problems, but he can, and does, have a level of intelligence that allows him to think everything through but then make perilous choices that always turn out to be successful. 

It’s tough to imagine a business equivalent to Tiger’s Accenture successes, but I assume it would be something like the CEO of GE carefully considering the financial impact of spinning off an under performing business unit and then abandoning all of his plans in favor of building tanning salons on the moon in hopes that everyone starts vacationing there.  Now that it’s clear that Tiger hits balls into the water on purpose, sends them text messages for years on end and then drives his car into trees in his own driveway before blaming the media for invading his privacy Accenture is wise to walk away.

Also this week I’ve been thrilled with the national television interviews granted by his various lovers.  Today’s was from Cori Rist, an unmarried mother of one who took to the national airwaves to rebut vicious rumors that she was a prostitute, and apparently, to make clear that she was instead, a naïve half wit.

Rist showed great class when she described cutting off the physical relationship with Tiger after six months because she saw pictures of his new baby and felt “really bad”.  So bad, in fact, that she reduced the relationship to a meaningful two-year friendship which consisted of Woods telling her not to call him when other people were around, not giving her any money or gifts, and occasionally inviting her to have sex with him on the road.

While nobody has handled this situation particularly well, I think Ms. Rist’s interview was the rough equivalent of opening your car door into someone else’s at a supermarket and then driving your car through the storefront just to show how sorry you are about it. 

Now that Tiger has admitted to unspecified “infidelity” the mainstream media is saying it’s time to respect his privacy.  I on the other hand follow the old Hebrew saying that “he who is world famous and a married father of two and dates between 12 and 15 cocktail waitresses named Cori, Jami, Jaimee ,Jaymee, and Kalika, and asks for privacy, better be kidding.” Moreover, it’s very hard to respect anyone who has a billion dollars and forces his wife to live in Orlando.

If Accenture is looking for a new spokesman, perhaps they should consider Elin Woods.  It's clear Tiger's head has been in the gutter all along and it’s obvious that Cori Rist has never thought carefully about anything, but a woman willing to swing a 3-Iron at the guy who suggests tanning beds on the moon is something our economy can use!